Have you noticed how expensive a trip to the psychiatrist is nowadays? Even social workers are beginning to charge quite a bit of money. Dr. Shaw is only a mere Doctor of Mathematics, so he has no right to be making any sort of diagnosis of mental health. But try the instrument below, and see how well his diagnosis matches up to the diagnosis of your favorite paid professional.
The Questions:
Are you sad today?
Are you happy today?
Are you a girl?
Are you a boy?
Are you an adult?
Are you occasionally forgetful?
If you were also sad yesterday, then you suffer from chronic depression. If you have money and/or insurance, you need therapy and some drugs. If you don't have money and/or insurance, you need therapy.
If you were not sad yesterday, and have a reason to be sad today, then you suffer from acute depression. If you have money and/or insurance, you need therapy and some drugs. If you don't have money and/or insurance, you need therapy.
If you were not sad yesterday, and can't think of a reason that you would be sad today, then you suffer from repressed memory syndrome. Depending on who you talk to, these memories can be of childhood sexual abuse, satanic cult abuse, or alien abduction. If you have money and/or insurance, you need a very expensive regimen of Recovered Memory Therapy (RMT). If you don't have money and/or insurance, you need a moderately expensive regimen of RMT.
If you are both happy and energetic, then you are manic. If you are not the most energetic person in the building, then it is borderline mania. If you were sad yesterday, then it is actually manic-depression, or borderline manic-depression, depending on how other people were feeling on that day. If you have money and/or insurance, you need therapy and some drugs. If you don't have money and/or insurance, you need therapy.
If you are happy, but more placid than energetic, then you are in denial. This can be due to repressed memory syndrome (see above) or it could be that you have multiple personality disorder (see below). The odds are that you are not truly happy, in which case you can be an alcoholic, a sex-addict, chemically dependent, codependent, or any other kind of addict. A support group is definitely indicated. Could therapy hurt? Of course not.
If you are a girl, and are occasionally shy or humble, then you suffer from low self-esteem. If you are never shy or humble, then you still suffer from low self-esteem. If you are consistently arrogant and self-centered, selfish and boastful, then you suffer from low self-esteem and are overcompensating. There are drugs that can help you become normal, but the only real way to solve this problem is to overthrow the male-controlled hierarchal society.
If you are a boy, then you suffer from hyperactivity. If you are smarter than many of the other boys, to the point where your schoolwork is sometimes boring, then you also suffer from attention deficit disorder. If your parents believe you are smarter than the other boys, but you aren't, then you also suffer from dyslexia. If neither you nor your parents think you are smarter than the other boys, then you have a learning disorder. In all four cases, dangerous drugs are mandated, to make you act more like the girls (except you will have a higher self esteem because you are living in a phallo-centric society and you have a phallus.)
If you usually follow a daily routine, then you suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder. If you often follow such a routine, then you suffer from borderline obsessive compulsive disorder. If you have money and/or insurance, you need therapy and some drugs. If you don't have money and/or insurance, you need therapy.
If you don't follow a daily routine, then you have attention deficit disorder (see above).
Are you occasionally forgetful?
If you don't have money and/or insurance, then you have repressed memory syndrome (see above). If you have money and/or insurance, then you have multiple personality disorder. Very expensive therapy is mandated, and you are going to start having to pay double to eat at buffets.
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Doug Code 5/2000:
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