Very Silly Things
English Praisers
Pepsi's Cryptic Date
The John Deere Credit Union's Guide to the Internet
Gary Martin's statement of Hoyle's Fame
The Unfortunate Prisoner Reference
The Poorly Executed Texas Two-Step
Wouldn't I already know?
The Canoscan invitation to Federal crime
Don't play with this toy
I can answer the first question
Either change the movie, or change the placement
With Friends Like These...
"English Praisers"
The University of Northern Iowa is considered to be a truly great college for future educators. This could be why, at the University Bookstore, there is a mind-boggling array of teachers' tools. I have never seen anything like it. Some of the items they sell are really clever. I can't even figure out what some of them are used for. Some are saccharine and cutesy, but there is no harm done; every teachers' style is different.
The object below, however, made me laugh out loud. It represents, to me, the epitome of what some of my friends consider wrong in American education. I don't know if I would take it that far, and you may even make an argument that it isn't necessarily a bad reinforcer to use. But it really is a very silly thing to look at.
Pepsi's Cryptic "Date"
Back when I was your age, a can of sodee-pop didn't have an "expiration date." It is CANNED for crying out loud. The point of canning perishables is so they don't perish. Tell me which of the following will defy the can and go bad: Carbonated water? Caramel color? Phosphoric acid? (I have friends who claim to have had "bad acid," maybe this is what they meant.)
Anyway, let us take as granted that Pepsi needs to have an expiration date. Behold the following part of the label that was on my last bottle of the stuff:
If they are going to insist on protecting me with a date, why encode it so? I have no idea if "1G-329" has already occurred or not. But I risked drinking the liquid, and it tasted like it always does: Like effeminate Coke.
The John Deere Credit Union's Guide to the Internet
When Laurel opened an account at the John Deere Credit Union, she received checks that had tractors on them. She also received an informative pamphlet on the Internet. I've included the top and bottom of their helpful guide, so you can learn, too.
Gary Martin's statement of Hoyle's Fame
Some Cedar Falls residents (such as Paul "I'm watching for a renege" Siddens and Kristie "Pick it up" Swatosh) are outstanding Euchre players. To avoid embarrassing myself, I purchased Gary Martin's book Euchre: How to Play and Win. It contains one of the most idiotic statements I have ever experienced in any medium:
Jesus! Moses! Mary! Elvis! Ghandi! Buddha! Call your agents!
The Unfortunate Prisoner Reference
"The Village Forum" is a community public radio call-in program designed to "create a community dialogue on issues of racism and diversity." Of course, when I hear the phrase "The Village" I think of that wonderful 60s television show, The Prisoner, which is about a former spy who wakes up in "The Village," which is a spooky idyllic community that prohibits its members from leaving. If they try, a giant evil ball comes bloopbloop out of the sea and suffocates them.
Given this image, the logo of "The Village Forum" is... well... unfortunate.
The Poorly Executed "Texas Two Step"
Laurel ordered a Dos Equis at the Lone Star Steakhouse and Saloon in Cedar Rapids. The waitress brought it to her in an open bottle, along with a glass, like one would expect. But she ALSO brought another one, capped, in a special ice-filled impulse-bucket, with a note attached to the neck:
Just from a casual glance, it looks like a "buy one get one free deal," but closer inspection reveals the phrase, "No charge for unopened bottles." (Can you see it? It is broken in two pieces at either side of the lower two parts of the star) In other words, it was a "buy one and then you can also buy another one" deal. No silliness so far, just a harmless little attempt of Lone Star Steakhouse to make a buck in an tacky "We ARE a second-rate bullshit greedy soulless chain after all" way.
But look closer...
Yes, they said, "At Your Liesure." I'm too mature to make the obvious pun. But think about this: They must have spent a fortune on those faux-French ice-buckets. The glossy note was probably not cheap to produce, and reeked of being designed by an expensive firm. (Hell, the FONT was probably custom designed). Why didn't they spend the extra $5 to get someone literate to check the final copy for spelling errors?
...But that wasn't the silly part; here's the silly part. Laurel succumbed to temptation and decided she would have that second beer, given how invitingly it was presented for an impromptu buy. She took it out of the impulse-bucket and... there was no bottle-opener at the table. No way to open her non-twist-off bottle. So she put it back, and didn't have that second beer after all. All that Psychology of Whim, all those Marketing Studies of Capriciousness... and no way to open the bottle.
Wouldn't I Already Know?
Because it is so easy, making fun of silly fortunes is not good Satiric Form. It is like poking fun at Fran Drescher's voice, Rosanne's weight, or George W. Bush. But this was such a strange three word message, I had to share it:
The Canoscan Invitation to Federal Crime
When I was scanner shopping, many companies' brochures described the usefulness of their products. This was from the Canoscan:
Ah yes... one can use it to perfectly reproduce a $20 bill. An ... interesting... example to choose.
Don't play with this toy
For a while, toy stores were not selling toy guns because of youth-violence. Now that scientists have determined that it is video-games, not toy guns, that cause our children to be killers, we are free to buy them toy guns to play with. I purchased some "Super Bang Roll Caps" for my own amusement, and found a lot of safety directions on the back. Some were reasonable: "Use only under adult supervision", "Do not fire closer than 1 ft. to ear." But then there was this one:
"Mom may I have a toy gun?" "Sure." "Mom, may I have Super Bang Roll Caps so it can make a loud Bang!" "Sure. But don't actually pretend to shoot anyone, because that would be bad. Here, you can take it outside and, under my supervision, pretend to shoot at imaginary targets."
I can answer the first question
I went to get my flu shot, and had to answer two questions. I don't know if other people will find this funny, but the juxtaposition makes me smile:
Either change the movie, or change the placement
Every week, UNI faculty, staff, and students get an online newsletter. This excerpt isn't funny as much as it is careless.
SEPTEMBER 11 REMEMBERANCE: At 9:11 a.m, on Thursday, Sept. 11, there
will be a moment of silent prayer and reflection at the Campanile to
remember those who lost their lives in the terrorist attacks on
Sept. 11, 2001.
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ART AFTER 9/11: Panel Discussion on Thursday, Sept. 11 at 4 p.m. in
the Bertha Martin Theatre: What has been said by the art community
since 9/11/01? What are the implications of creating art that deals
with the attacks with remembrance of the victims, skepticism, protest,
and hopes of preventing another such attack?
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THURSDAZE FOR SEPT. 11: Come out for an exciting night of musical fun.
Movie "Bringing down the House" 7 & 9:30 p.m, Maucker Union Old Central
Ballroom. Japanese, Chinese & Korean Bookmarks 8 p.m, Maucker Union
Coffeehouse, and the cool sounds of Jamaica with Keith Eric and
Waterhouse Reggae Band.
With Friends Like These..
When a cartoon show has back-up features, they add "and friends" to the title. So a Warner Brothers potpourii becomes "Bugs Bunny And Friends." Similarly we've had "Scooby Doo and Friends" and "Garfield and Friends." There is the implication that these characters would probably socialize when not on-camera, palling around, doing whatever cartoon characters like to do.
So when I saw a CD by "Pink Floyd and Friends" I had to buy it, just to find out which music groups do the members of Pink Floyd hang out with when they aren't creating music. The title of the CD was Interstellar Overdrive, which is one of their more Syd Barrett twisted Psycho-Pop songs, so I knew that the "friends" were going to be pretty intense musicians.
Here is the track list for Interstellar Overdrive, by Pink Floyd and their amazing friends...
Tonite Let's All Make Love In London Alan Ginsberg Interstellar Overdrive Pink Floyd
Man of the World Fleetwood Mac Interview Mick Jagger Here Comes the Nice The Small Faces Nick's Boogie Pink Floyd Angel of the Morning P.P. Arnold America The Nice Stop The Moody Blues Just call me Angel of the Moooorning, Angel! Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby!
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