This is the third column of my favorite cat's advice. Click on his picture to read his first column, or click here for his second column.
Dear Basho,
Alright, see if you can figure this out, I am 17 years old, and my girl is 16 turning 17. We are very in love, and wish to get married, and avoid our parents being asswipes and trying to do everything within their legal power to keep us apart. I love her very very much, and she loves me too. So do you know of anything we can do to be married, soon, without their signatures on anything, I mean whether it is legal or not, how in the hell do we get married?, Say they sign the papers, and then we get married. Can they come back and say I changed my mind, or lie and say they never signed anything and have it annuled? I love her and she loves me, we will not wait any longer, we have been together for 2 years. Have never wanted anything more than this, but parents are dead set on keeping us children as long as possible.
So want to help me out or just going to say, something starting with the words, AT YOUR AGE? Well if that was going to enter your sentence, don't even bother to reply, you can tell I am desperate, I have an IQ of 180 and am freaking strained here. HELP!!
-DemonKnightmare
Dear DemonKnightmare,
Here is something that might work for you: Wait until your girl is deep in
concentration, perhaps on the verge of finishing The Legend of Zelda or right in
the middle of a game of online-Euchre. Crouch, wiggle your rump three or four times,
and then pounce on her game-controller or the power-button on the modem. Hiss, bite,
and then start to run away, but halfway out of the room, suddenly lie down and fall
asleep, as if nothing had happened. Or, if you are more of a traditional romantic,
you may want to meow at the towel drawer for no reason. Best of luck to you - I
sincerely hope it all works out.
-Basho
Dear Basho,
My fishbowl is green. What do I do?
-People Who Live In Fishbowls Should Move To Glass Houses
Dear People,
Eat the fish. Drink the water out of the fishbowl. Vomit.
-Basho
Dear Basho,
What is the phone number for Circus Circus in Las Vegas?
-Viva Los Gatos Gordos!
Dear Viva,
I am a cat. It is essential to my facade that I maintain ignorance of pure worldly matters, to prevent the necessity of being drawn up into them. If, for example, I allowed a look of comprehension to cross my features when I was scolded "Do not make a mess" then not only would I have to refrain from "making messes" but it would not be that grand a leap to be told that part of my responsibilities would be cleaning the messes of others. The main reason, I opine, that the Bodhisattva went from India to China was an issue such as this. Or, to put it in your vernacular, I offer a quotation from your Peter Parker: "With great power comes great responsibility." Only he was mistaken; it is only with perceived great power comes great responsibility.
For sentimental reasons, I allowed Shaw to persuade me to do an advice column for him. It was an err of hubris, which I regret. For now the truly perceptive people such as yourself have deduced that my scope of knowledge goes significantly beyond "meowing at the towel drawer for no reason." (By the way, I never do things "for no reason." But Shaw will never be able to comprehend the reasons and etiquette for towel-drawer-meowing, so there is no purpose in explaining the details to him.)
With the above caveats, I give you the telephone number you request:
1-800-444-CIRCUS.
-Basho
Many people talk about the wisdom of age, and also the primitive wisdom of our animal friends. As of the year 2000, Basho is Bar-Mitzvah age in human years, which makes him 91 years old in Cat Years. So he is old, animal, and legally responsible according to Jewish law. Do you have any problems? Ask Basho the Cat. He will use his feline earth-wisdom to help you. Email bashomail@dougshaw.com with your problems, and Basho will tell you how to solve them.
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